The Story of Simzgirl

Ana: Doggy bonked head…on table.
Me: Yep.
Ana, touching her forehead: I bonked my head…on a window…yes-a-day.
Me: I remember.
Ana: Mama, I have more cereal?
Me: Sure. I will get you some more.
Ana: And for YOU?
Me, pouring the cereal: Yes, I think I will have some more too.
Ana: THANK YOU!!
Me: You’re welcome. And thank you for being polite.
Ana: I […]

[Read more →]

Ana and I are just finishing up our breakfast and this conversation ensues:
Me: Ana, what do you wanna do today?
Ana: Watch a movie!
Me: Ok. You wanna watch Cars?
Ana: No…
Me: Um. You wanna watch Sleeping Beauty?
Ana: S’eepin’ Booty?
Me: Well, it’s Sleeping BEAUTY. It has fairies in it!
Ana: Fairies? I hear ‘em!
Me: You hear them?
Ana: Yeah.
Me: What […]

[Read more →]

Simeon: Ana, what should we have for lunch today?
Ana: Noodles.
Simeon: You want noodles for lunch?
Ana: No.
Simeon: Oh. Then what do you want for lunch?
Ana: Ice cream.
Simeon: Um. Maybe after lunch. What else?
Ana: Yogurt.
Simeon: Oh ok. Do you want anything else?
Ana: On the yogurt.
Simeon: You want yogurt…on your yogurt?
Ana: Yeah.
Simeon: And ice cream for dessert?
Ana: […]

[Read more →]

Simeon: I don’t know what this plastic thing on the counter is, but when we have a boy it will make a perfect G.I. Joe boat.
Carrie: You mean my Longaberger basket liner?
Simeon: I guess so.
Carrie: Wait, can’t Ana use it for a G.I. Joe boat?
Simeon: Hmmmm…maybe. Or she could use it as a Barbie coffin.

[Read more →]

“Humans should come with ramrods, just like rifles.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s the prostitution.”
“Nick had a pretty good day-he already got felt up by a girl.”
“…And it wasn’t Lindsay.”
“Had that been said by anyone other than her father it would be disturbing.”
“Lights are off: let’s get naked!”
“Get out the Crisco, grease Nick up, send him down […]

[Read more →]

“Woah! Big Asian boobs! Come quick!”
“Where? Huh? Wha…”
“Ha! Did you see how fast he got in here?”
“Wow. She is drunk.”
“How can you tell?”
“Did you just hear her say ‘I spy…’?”
“Oh. That.”
“Check out that carrot. I dare you to eat it.”
“Ok.”
“Quick take a picture.”
….
“Ewwww! Not like that! Off to the side like. More Bugs Bunny.”
“Do you […]

[Read more →]

“You can have our ham piles.”
“I’m already in the club. I don’t need to study.”
“We weren’t typing. We were trying to kill the spiders on our keyboards.”
“Did you get special Ass Wednesday powers?”
“I’ve had enough sausage.”
“Yeah. So have I. So. Have. I.”
“You know what I am giving up for Lent? Religion.”
“You have the right to […]

[Read more →]

“Well that’s because Heather has semen in her body AT ALL TIMES!”
“It’s the pot–it’s like catnip!”
“I love that they wear harnesses. That makes me laugh really hard…on the inside!”
“Well if you hit my mammary glands of course it’s gonna hurt!”
“Megan got laid…and Nick got screwed!”
“She’s the sexretary!”
“I love the air quotes around ‘virgin.’”
“Well, is that […]

[Read more →]

“Ladies and gentlemen, TLC was just brought up over Christmas dinner!”
“Hey! I just high-fived you! Age ain’t nuthin’ but a number!”
“You know what’s funny? This isn’t the first time I have heard those two sing Shoop!”
“Screw the Mexi-Santa!”
“Awww! I put my arm in the mashed potatoes.”
“He said he would watch it if it was a […]

[Read more →]

“I thought you were calling him Nipple!”
“I gotta bring a little flava to the table.”
“Is that where you went? We were all looking for you and you went downstairs to play video games?!”
“It’s your birthday and no one is listening to you.”
“As long as you love Jesus you can get elected.”
“Hurry! You have to hold […]

[Read more →]